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When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up
to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that crap after I started doing the same
thing to them at funerals.
Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely There
C - Can Do
D - Damn Good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
I tried to sniff Coke once . . .
. . . but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? I've gone to find the answer!!
Chinese Proverbs
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone
2. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
3. Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
4. Man with one chopstick go hungry
5. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
6. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
7. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk
8. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth
9. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
10. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it
11. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
12. Man who fart in church sit in own pew
13. Crowded elevator smell different to midget
If a tree falls in the woods . . .
do all the other trees laugh at it?
What's the difference between a prostitute and a rooster?
One says "cockadoodledoo" and the other says "any cock'll do"
Some people are kinda like Slinkys: not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you watch them tumble
down the stairs.
What's the difference between a drunk and a pothead?
A drunk drives through a stop sign
A stoner waits for it to turn green
Q. What is the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep
What does McDonalds and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both stick their 40-year-old meat into 12-year-old buns!
*Guy with a hot dog and a donkey walks up to a cop*
Hello, officer. Can you please hold my weiner while I scratch my ass?
What do you call 200 tractors outside of a McDonalds on a Friday night in Iowa?
Prom
One day, a guy is walking in the park and notices a girl with no arms and no legs, crying, sitting on a bench. "Why
are you crying," he asks her. She replies,"I've never been kissed before." Feeling sorry, the guy kisses her,
but she still doesn't stop crying. "Now why are you crying?" he asks. "I've never been screwed," she replies.
Feeling sorry, the guy picks her up and throws her in a lake and says, "Now you're screwed!"
Micheal Jackson is goin to be the first black man to die a rich white woman.
Q): What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A): Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's 13!
What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing, they were both stuck-up bitches.
A guy's walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says, 'Hey, miss, would you let me bite
your breasts for $100?'
"Are you nuts?' she replies and walks off.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. 'Would you let me bite your breasts for
$1,000?' he asks again. 'Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?'
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. 'Would you let me bite your breasts, just once for $10,000?'
The woman thinks about this for a while and says, 'Hmm, $10,000? OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley
over there.'
So they go to the alley and she takes off her shirt to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy
sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing, fondling, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them.
Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, 'Are you gonna bite them or what?' 'Nah,' he replies. 'Costs too much!'
Q. How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
Q: What starts with f and ends with uck?
A: Firetruck
Did you hear about the guy that moved to the nudist colony? He said the first day was the hardest.
Do chickens think everything tastes like human?
What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!
Q: Why do woman get their belly buttons pierced?
A: So they have a place to hang a air freshener!
What do you call a dog with no legs?...
You can call it whatever the hell you want to call it, it's still not going to come to you!
A woman walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor, doctor! I have a problem!" The doctor says, "What
is it?" She replies, "I'm constantly farting- they don’t ever smell or make a sound. I've farted 37 times
since I came into your office!" He says, "Ahhh I see your problem," and hands her some pills. A week later,
she comes back and says, "What did you give me?! Now they SMELL!" The doctor replies, "Good. Now that we've
got your sinuses cleared up, let's work on your hearing."
How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please.
I could never eat twelve pieces.
After praying nonstop for eight years, God finally decided to grant a man three wishes. "I wish for the coolest cars
in the universe." "Done." "I wish for the most luxurious mansion in the universe." "Done."
"And I wish for the best woman in the world." So God sent him Mother Theresa.
What did the man say to the toothpaste model after she gave him oral sex? "WOW! Those are the whitest teeth I've
ever come across."
One night a woman is making dinner for her family and accidentaly knocks over a box of BBs into her stew. The next morning
the daughter comes running down the stairs, "Mom, Mom! I went to the bathroom and I was pissing BBs!"
It's okay dear," replies the mother, "it'll pass."
An hour later the son comes running down the stairs, "Mom, Mom!"
The mother replies, "I know dear, you were peeing BBs, it'll pass."
The son says, "No, I was jerking off and shot the dog!"
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where
a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you as*hole...it's 3:30 in the god damn
morning!
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